Anguish

I have felt anguish- It happens to most people, without an explanation or reason. Why is there suffering and hurt in the world? Why is there pain?

My husband & I found out a few months ago we were pregnant. Which is shocking news to us since we were under the impression it was not possible for us- ( but then again, ANYTHING is possible with God!) -
Our ultra sounds have been beautiful, showing our dear little one's beating heart. He/ She was to be due in March 2014. As you can see I have used the word "was". I went in for my 9 1/2 week check up- and the heartbeat was gone. Our baby, our dear baby passed around 8 weeks. I cried all the way home and decided to drive to see my husband at work - I hadn't called him to tell him what happened.
This past Saturday they did a surgery on me and removed our baby from my body. Not only physically painful but tremendously emotionally painful. My baby...my dear, dear baby.
I have thanked the Lord everyday for this child and prayed for he/she to be healthy. Then the day I found out our baby had died I prayed differently. I thought about my baby being in the arms of her/his Father. That my baby would not ever experience pain, or cry, or ever feel unloved. My baby opened his/her eyes and saw our dear Savior! What can I say? Yes, my heart grieves more than I can say. I truly cannot put into words what I am feeling. At any given time of day I just cry....But the TRUTH is God knows best- God has a plan- God is in control- God cares for me and my hurting heart- God loves me- God has my baby in His arms. What more can I ask?

I struggle daily -trying to keep going. It seems like life should stop but it does not. People still need Jesus, People still need love- My husband needs me to clean our home, love him, listen to him, cook our meals and to continue trying ..the list goes on. We have had birthday parties, invites to base ball games, a guy Tyler works with had a going away party as he is moving etc. The list goes on. I want to stop and weep. I hurt ...and yes I go to these events and try...but in the quietness when I am alone I mourn. I lay on the ground with my face on the floor and cry for our loss.

I imagine my baby seeing me crying...and calling me "mama" telling me not to cry. That if I could see where he/she is in Heaven I would be so happy- I wonder if he/she see's the lion laying next to the lamb, the street of gold, if he/she is with other babies who never made it out of the womb. Either way the Lord is good. In the good and in the bad I must always say, Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I am hurting and yes I mourn but I remember Job in the bible and all the loss he suffered...both physically and emotionally and yet, he never cursed the name of the Lord.

Lord, my heart is heavy and my body very weak...in every way. You are my Healer. You see my pain and You fully understand.

" ' Oh,' said the gardener, as he passed down the garden-walk, 'Who plucked that flower? Who gathered that plant?' His fellow-servants answered, 'The Master!' And the gardener held his peace."
                                                                               Elizabeth Prentiss

Our Anniversary

Today Tyler & I celebrate four years of marriage...it doesn't sound like a long time but - it has felt like a long time. It also feels like it has gone by so fast. Tyler worked today & tonight we have stayed in. We were planning a hike tomorrow but it is suppose to rain all day. Go figure...the one day it rains in Arizona! I thought a lot today about our marriage- the struggles, the blessing, the tears and the laughing...and I found myself truly being thankful to God that we have come this far. We are two sinners trying to live together, while also growing closer to our Lord. When one struggles- we both struggle.
 I went to my sister's wedding in May last year. It was a time of joy & celebration. I was so blessed to be a part of the wedding- to see what God joined together. It was a beautiful wedding - Lake Michigan in the background, sun shining, a stunning bride & a groom with delight in his eye's all ending with a reception that will never be forgotten.

 

 

The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam^[g] there was not found a helper fit for him. ²¹ So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. ²² And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made^[h] into a woman and brought her to the man. ²³ Then the man said,

“This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.”^[i]

²⁴ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. ²⁵ And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

 

This is beautiful. My sister & the new groom became one flesh... Something that is hard for me to fully grasp.

So today I prayed...I praised God for our marriage...for how we have grown...for God's faithfulness. I then prayed & I will continue to pray...BE GLORIFIED in my life, in my work, in MY MARRIAGE.

 

To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen

Adventure

Yesterday was my husbands birthday! I surprised him with "birthday" pancakes (an idea from Pinterest)

 - Then we fell back asleep.lol After we woke back up we decided to go out for supper & go watch the Hobbit. We haven't been to a movie in almost a year- I am a horrible movie watcher. What I mean is that I get bored quickly & I like to be able to get up and move if I want. So I really didn't want to go to watch the Hobbit....all the Lord of the Rings movies are sooooo long (but good, I know).
But for Tyler's birthday I really wanted to go for him. Well, what can I say? I loved it! I was so excited thru the whole movie & half way thru it I turned to my husband & told him I want to go on an adventure! I am serious too. I talked to God about this. I know He can make all things possible - And truly when I look at my life it has been an adventure...just not like the hobbits. lol

Over all we had a great day. We came home to our kitty who was happy to see us!

 

Waiting to watch the Hobbit!

 

Joy in the little things

It seems like it has been a long time since I have really laughed. I laughed last year at a retreat with friends, Kaitlyn & Ariele. I truly was enjoying myself. Through out the rest of last year I found it hard to laugh...to truly laugh and enjoy life.
 I write almost every morning a few things to God in which I am thankful for. It is something I started so that I would not forget all God has given to me. When times are hard its easy to only see the negative things.
What can I say? It's been a hard year, moving to a place unknown...away from all we know. Plus the regular struggles in life, marriage and trying to maintain a healthy time with God. God is truly everything to me and spending time with Him DAILY is vital...and yet at times difficult. There have been times when I love coming to the feet of Jesus and loving Him and soaking in the love He has for me. Then there have been times out of discipline that I come before God and read His word.

Back to Joy....and laughter. This Christmas my husband, Tyler got me a kitty cat. I was shocked...he has a possible allergy and we already have a huge 170lb dog named, Penny. Well this kitten is 5 weeks old as of yesterday. He reminds me of those TY beeny babies! He is so small and cute. I was nervous about having one....time it needs, responsibility etc. However to my suprise I am absolutley taken by this Cat! I love him. I have named him, Baby. I know....cheesy but whatever! :) He looks like Toothless ( the dragon from the movie, "How to Train Your Dragon") . He makes me laugh all the time. I laugh and absolutley love him. I want want is best for him...like I make his food - nasty smelling, yes but it's god for him and he loves it. I woke up twice in the night thinking I heard him meowing for something ( he is still fairly young and needs to be taught things). I can only imagine what having a child would be like! Someday hopefully we can be parents but for now we find joy in our kitten. I truly am thankful for him...and have thanked God every day for "kitty" since he arrived.

December 25

This morning I was like a little kid...woke up at 4:30 to wake Tyler... It's Christmas! I remember as a child waking up all my sisters (who are younger) and waiting for mom & dad to get ready so we could all open presents. We always opened stockings first..then one by one we took turns. There is something special about unwrapping a gift.... I don't gift bags or gift cards... but opening a wrapped gift..it is just so much more fun!

So Tyler & I opened our gifts...he went to back to sleep, silly guy, and I called home...Living so far from home makes me appreciate my family more and more. I am more thankful for the small things.

At 9ish I woke up Tyler and we skyped his family..It was nice to see them. Tyler has a smile on his face and a joy in his voice when he talk's with them. This makes me happy.

We didn't do much after that...which I think is ok. We ate food and watched the grinch. I skyped my sister in Washington later. It was only for 15 minutes or so but how nice to see someone instead of just hearing their voice on the phone.

I think it's hard being away from family ...especially at the holiday's. This morning while Tyler was sleeping I had some time to sit and enjoy the silence..the lights were shining on the tree and all was still.
I closed my eye's and said, Thank You Lord I remember why we celebrate.

Christmas

Currently Frosty the Snowman is on....a tradition we do every year...watching all the Christmas specials. I sang Christmas carols at our Christmas Tea with ladies from bible study today. I have been wrapping gifts this week while the tree lights are on....listening to Christmas music. All the hustle and bustle of Christmas.
We have all the comforts of Christmas but this year (as like last year) my husband and I are thousands of miles away from our friends and family. For me being with family is one of the most special things about the holidays.
However being so far away I am reminded of why we even celebrate Christmas. It is found in Luke 2.

The angels come to the shepherds and say,


 “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people;for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. “This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest,
And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased.”

Key word...YOU
For unto us.....each and everyone of us..... is given the gift of Jesus.

This Christmas I started an advent Calender...homemade...  preparing our hearts for Christmas.
Something that seems more difficult but yt the best thing to do is to turn off all media, put away the phone, shut the door and quietly come before our Savior. Sometimes we may have a lot to say and other times our hearts may e heavy with nothing to say....all this is ok. Coming before our Savior and loving Him, being with Him.... Know He is God.

“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us).

His Ways are not my ways..

I have been very sick lately. Its been a humbling time for me. I was suppose to start a new job Monday the 18th (I believe) in October. However Sunday I was feelin awful and had a fever. I missed church and couldn't eat a thing..which is not like me. So I had Tyler take me to ER. I felt that was extreme but our insurance only covers ER or Air Force doctors...and everything on base was closed for the weekend. So what I thought would be a quick trip to ER ...sent home with an antibiotic.....became a week long experience. They found MRSA in blood. What is that? I am not totally sure to be honest. I just know its serious and needs to be treated or else you can die. So now I am home but I have a PICC line ...what is that? It is an IV that leads to my heart thru a vein in my arm. I am not totally sure how it works. I know I have to keep it very clean... I hook up to medicine 3 times a day for 2 hours.  I am extrememly tired. I haven't been able to do much and I have needed help...plus I have to wash my hair in the sink and be very careful when washing not to get my arm wet...However I am at my upmost thankfulness to God. Thru this time ( and I always hear how its when we are our lowest God works even more....which I think its just that we realize our need for HIM more) anyway thru this time prayers are being answered. I am at a peace with this...they are not answered in any way I ever expected. But isn't that the way our glorious God works? I am still recoverying ....it will be a long process I know.
Its near the holiday's and we are way from family and friends (being in the miltary) ...we have met some close friends here on base. I must say things are different than I ever thought my life would be..as a child I had any dreams and expectations. I never imagined the hard things or not getting what I wanted. Selfish, yes ....but as a child I just thought things were to be a certain way.
So this Thanksgiving I can truly say  I am thankful. I am thankful my ways are not God's ways. I am thankful for how God is faithful and how HIS peace is only a thing He gives.