I do not love

" If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing."

1 Corithinans 13:1-3

Last night as I lay in bed I began thinking of why my life seemed so bland. I wake up every day and write down things I am thankful to God for. I then write things I need to surrender that day to Him and seek His help thru reading the bible.  I try and keep a clean and cozy home for my husband, fixing warm meals and making home welcoming. I try and be friends with those around me and give to the needy when I can. As of this week I have given out a gospel of John and some candy (it was all the food I had.lol) I try and keep peace with others and especially family.
The other day I was talking to my sister who is quite angry with our Father. He is on his third marriage and has done a lot of hurt in the past. She was sharing on how she felt on this new wife of his and then she asked me how I felt about it. Truly I have forgiven him and have moved on. I was quick to answer in sayingthat I had no feelings about it. I wasn't really excited and I wasn't angry or sad. I was numb, which I thought was a good thing. But then lying in bad last night I realized how numb I was to most relationships in my life. I thought about what it would take for me to cry or to "feel" something towards something. Even to the exageration of death....would I cry if "so and so" died? To be as honest (I don't want to hurt others feeling) but I could truly only think of a handful of people that would cause me to cry if they were taken from this life. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!???? I was mortified with myself. How could this be? How did I become so numb to people's souls!!?? I couldn't sleep. As I layed there numb and sick feeling these verses came to my head. "I do everything right" I was thinking in my head, my bible reading,praying,helping others, faithful wife etc. The list in my head could go on. But then it hit me. It hit me hard.  I did all these things without love. I did not help others or keep a clean house because I love people. It was just the right thing to do.
This morning I am writing what I learned of myself last night. I am full of something...maybe a desire to love. I know love is a choice and an action. But how does it come from the heart?

Lord, open my heart and eyes to YOU! YOU ARE LOVE!