I have felt anguish- It happens to most people, without an explanation or reason. Why is there suffering and hurt in the world? Why is there pain?
My husband & I found out a few months ago we were pregnant. Which is shocking news to us since we were under the impression it was not possible for us- ( but then again, ANYTHING is possible with God!) -
Our ultra sounds have been beautiful, showing our dear little one's beating heart. He/ She was to be due in March 2014. As you can see I have used the word "was". I went in for my 9 1/2 week check up- and the heartbeat was gone. Our baby, our dear baby passed around 8 weeks. I cried all the way home and decided to drive to see my husband at work - I hadn't called him to tell him what happened.
This past Saturday they did a surgery on me and removed our baby from my body. Not only physically painful but tremendously emotionally painful. My baby...my dear, dear baby.
I have thanked the Lord everyday for this child and prayed for he/she to be healthy. Then the day I found out our baby had died I prayed differently. I thought about my baby being in the arms of her/his Father. That my baby would not ever experience pain, or cry, or ever feel unloved. My baby opened his/her eyes and saw our dear Savior! What can I say? Yes, my heart grieves more than I can say. I truly cannot put into words what I am feeling. At any given time of day I just cry....But the TRUTH is God knows best- God has a plan- God is in control- God cares for me and my hurting heart- God loves me- God has my baby in His arms. What more can I ask?
I struggle daily -trying to keep going. It seems like life should stop but it does not. People still need Jesus, People still need love- My husband needs me to clean our home, love him, listen to him, cook our meals and to continue trying ..the list goes on. We have had birthday parties, invites to base ball games, a guy Tyler works with had a going away party as he is moving etc. The list goes on. I want to stop and weep. I hurt ...and yes I go to these events and try...but in the quietness when I am alone I mourn. I lay on the ground with my face on the floor and cry for our loss.
I imagine my baby seeing me crying...and calling me "mama" telling me not to cry. That if I could see where he/she is in Heaven I would be so happy- I wonder if he/she see's the lion laying next to the lamb, the street of gold, if he/she is with other babies who never made it out of the womb. Either way the Lord is good. In the good and in the bad I must always say, Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I am hurting and yes I mourn but I remember Job in the bible and all the loss he suffered...both physically and emotionally and yet, he never cursed the name of the Lord.
Lord, my heart is heavy and my body very weak...in every way. You are my Healer. You see my pain and You fully understand.
" ' Oh,' said the gardener, as he passed down the garden-walk, 'Who plucked that flower? Who gathered that plant?' His fellow-servants answered, 'The Master!' And the gardener held his peace."